Great Ice Hockey (SMS) – Retro Review

Great Ice Hockey (Sega Master System)
So I was dragged to a car boot sale (or flea market, if you prefer) with my Dad today, and at some point decided to take a wonder away from our stall. I came across one that was selling a load of old videogames, and among them was a hockey game, aptly named Great Ice Hockey for the Sega Master System. With it being sold for a measly £1 ($1.50?), I went ahead and impulse-bought it, mainly because I thought it would make a good article for this site, and because I was interested to see how it would compare to Nintendo’s Ice Hockey on the NES (be sure to check out our review for that game too). However, I realised way too late that this game apparently requires a specially designed controller.
Back in the mid-eighties, Sega decided to release a series of sports games that required you to buy a peripheral to play them properly, fittingly named the “Sega Sports Pad”, which is basically a larger controller with the buttons on the left hand side instead of the right, a couple of switches, and a tracking ball replacing the d-pad, which I’m guessing was cool and innovative in the eighties.
Now you may be asking: do I own one of these things? No. Am I going to go right out of my way to buy one of these things just so that I can experience this game properly? Hell no. So I decided to simply plug in the standard Master System controller instead. That would still work though… right?
Presentation
Naturally before playing a game, you’ll want to look at the instruction manual to see what the controls are and how the game plays. But these are some of the most poorly written and vague instructions I have ever seen for a videogame. It states somewhere: “In order to move a man, an arrow must be pointing at him”… What does that even mean? Apparently to steal the puck, you have to “Try to attack the opposing player holding the puck. Whether or not you get it depends on the timing of your attack.”
Once you start the game up, you’re shown a fairly bland title screen, after which you’re given the option to select either the “Junior” or “Senior” difficulty levels. I noticed the cursor moving by itself without me even touching the d-pad, that or it’s uber sensitive to even the slightest touch. You’re then made to play as Team USA by default, after which you select your opponent. Again, just the slightest twitch and the cursor goes completely whacko on you, so this basically forces you to choose a completely random opponent in order to advance to the game itself.
Gameplay
I think the over-sensitivity of the menu system may have been an early warning to not advance any further, because the controls for the actual game are horrendous. The player you are in control of will randomly dart around the rink with just the slightest touch of the d-pad, going in a completely different direction to what you are pressing, while the screen bounces back and forth as the puck goes down into your team’s end of the rink. And yes, by bouncing I mean just that. No smooth scrolling, but the camera just slowly “bounces” along into whatever end of the rink the puck is being shot into. To make things even worse, the player you are controlling keeps randomly changing – it’s not like in pretty much all other hockey games where you can switch players at the tap of the button, but instead it just keeps doing it for no apparent reason.
There is no way around any of these problems, because Sega decided not to program this game for use with a regular Master System controller. It doesn’t help that the controls described in the manual either don’t make any sense or are just far too complicated.
So after just two minutes, I turned it off, and read a couple of reviews elsewhere to see if it was actually playable with the stupid peripheral: and it seems that the game is no better, if not worse, even with it. So I will now personally thank Defunct Games and The Video Game Critic for not only clarifying this, but for giving me even more reason to not buy such a useless controller.
Lasting Appeal
There is none, because this game is completely unplayable. Although you could always do fun things to the cartridge like submerging it in water, chucking it in the microwave or, even more fittingly, take it to the rink with you and slapshot it to pieces. Or you could pay someone to get rid of this horrible, horrible thing for you.
Overall
Singlehandedly the worst hockey game – nay, the worst videogame that I have ever played. Even Backyard Hockey is a more joyful experience than this steaming pile of turd. Avoid it like the plague.
Rating: 0/10 “Worthless”













