Slap Shot 3 review

Intro

It is pretty fair to say that this film has been universally panned by the critics. Rotten Tomatoes has not had the balls to review it; whilst flixster rates it at a solid 13%.

This straight to DVD release of a once great franchise follows in the unpopular steps of its brother, Slap Shot 2 that was also hated on almost a universal level. Obviously; with such bad reviews we here at PowerPlayGoal.com had to have a look; and the evening after seeing the NHL premiere seemed like the ideal time to have a quick look.

C-List celebrities does not equal C’s on Jersey

This film somehow had managed to drag both Leslie Nielsen and Lynda Boyd. Perhaps neither of them read the script; or they were paid a lot more than anyone could ever imagine further violating and destroying their careers. Leslie Nielsen plays the “eccentric mayor” of the now crumbling town of Charleston. Despite being the biggest name to feature in this film; he disappears for almost an hour to a “mission to look at mountains in Venezuela”
Please note that I do not include the Hanson Brothers in the list of celebrities; as they have only ever done 3 films – and I am sure you can guess what ones.
The rest of the cast have such credentials such as appearing in low interest TV shows that never really got off the ground. Retired hockey player Mark Messier makes an appearance during the film, and AHL coach Doug Gilmour also makes a small appearance within the film.

Should have been made to 60 minutes like a game of hockey

This film is thankfully relatively short; clocking in at a pretty standard 90 minutes. So even if you’re planning to watch this; don’t go expecting any Oliver Stone style plot twists. ~
First scene jumps straight to the mayor (Nielsen) discussing with “top bitch” of some retail firm (Boyd) about the town of Charleston. Bottom line is; she wants to demolish all of Charleston to build some upper crust golf club and housing. The mayor allows her some rights but not entire; and she has to “earn” his trust in order for him to take the rest of the city – conveniently including the aging Ice Rink; and An Orphanage.
Also standing in her way are the unfortunately un funny and rather aging Hanson Brothers. They have converted to some Buddhist style religion after a hasty trip to Vegas; where the wound up with sons and apparently turned to Buddhism to rid them of their greed – as you so easily expect they tell her where to stick it, but like so many cheap plot movies; you just know this will have some importance later on.
The orphanage is also key to the story and is the setting of the next scene. It seems that the orphanage is home to a group of “loveable” orphans; who in the result of a so called twist, turns out that the guy in charge is actually banged up.
The evil property developer arranges a fake inspection by her best doormat friend of the orphanage to try to catch them out, leading to their demise making her take over much smoother.
On arrival, they find a porn magazine (oh stop being such a prude; its one dirty magazine; and I am certain some of the kids in the home are 18 thus making it legal) and also a pet rat hidden in the kitchen.
This is enough for evil lady to file a complaint to the Mayor leading to a vote on whether she can get the land or not.
To help get the community to save them; the orphans believe the best solution would be to form a hockey team.
They do this, however short on funding they go to the Hanson brothers who kindly donate the money on the terms that they play spiritually, and also wear robes versus jerseys.
Obviously this doesn’t go down too well, and they find themselves loosing like mad and also the laughing stock of the league.
The Hanson brothers have a sudden change of heart whilst being honoured; and become ultra violent again. Enlisting in their bizarrely identical sons; they make the team extremely violent – and this gives the team wins; however the Captain fails to impress the local rink slut hotshot which makes him reconsider his actions.
Now aware that he is going to fail the team and orphans as they can never win whilst he is trying to get laid; captain embarks on a forgery mission to make an “official looking letter” from the nonexistent mayor. This seems to work; until you guessed it psycho property bitch finds out and suspends the captain just before the all crucial final game against a team with a conveniently awesome goalie who has stopped every shot. Locked in the security office; the captain has no hope of rejoining the game – or so you think.
Because of this, it is no real surprise that the teams loosing, badly but not because of this shit hot goalie; rather because of psychopath property demon who has paid off the refs. However; at the end of the 2^nd a convenient stroke of luck happens. Rink slut hotshot agrees to play for them; and demon woman’s doormat friend decides enough is enough and shows some CCTV footage of bitch woman bribing the refs. For some reason the game is not restarted (which would seem more legit); and just when your shouting obscenities at the TV whilst watching this; Captain breaks out from the security office returning the team.
With everyone watching this close game in the final minutes the only chance to win comes from the rink slut hotshot. But first a romantic kiss between the Captain and the Girl; which if you look at the plot – the girl is supposed be disguised as a man; therefore in my opinion this is the most homoerotic moment of the game. No surprises to what follows; a last minute penalty shot leads to the girl scoring a goal in an ultimate Disney moment winning the league and saving the orphans. The orphans however are adopted by the Hanson brothers.

Recap

So let’s look at what this film has. Plot holes; a lame twist and a predictable ending. A pathetic story about “friendship” and “togetherness” were crammed in; and considering Slap Shot 1 was rated R and this film gains a PG rating; shows how the film drops the idea of anything risky or gritty in order to pander the Mighty Ducks fan base. Actors like Leslie Nielsen should be ashamed to have their name on such an appalling movie; especially when you consider his classics, like The Naked Gun. I think my final words on this film will be to tell you not to watch it; even when drunk; or in possession of an illegal substance. It is not worth it. And; if you have purchased this DVD, and like the film – shame on you. After putting up with so many dreadful films involving hockey (dare I mention The Tooth Fairy); it is sad to see another movie continue this tradition. The final nail in the already over nailed coffin of this film is the awful music; where they’ve attempted to go alternative and punk; but failed miserably.

The Good

-          The hockey was arguably choreographed quite well, and did look authentic.

-          This film allowed me to use the word “bitch” five times

-          This film never made it to the cinema

The Bad

-          The movie is cheesy, predictable and largely unfunny

-          The Hanson brothers are slapped over the packaging as being “hilarious”; erm yeh right

-          Characters are uninspired; and they don’t work well together

-          Not enough hockey

The Ugly

-          That I wasted 90 minutes watching this film

-          The evident attempts to attach it to the original movie

-          That the sport of Hockey is forever tainted with this movie

-          That Amazon charge$9.99 for this film

Changes to the Line Up

I’m thinking; draft in director Christopher Nolan (Inception, The Dark Knight); queue some dark music from Hans Zimmer; and take away most the lights. Replace Leslie Nielsen with Morgan Freeman; throw in some sweet explosions to kill off evil property woman; then include Jack Nicholson as a crusty and hateable crooked hockey coach then have an unfortunate incident with a set of dislodged roof tiles end any hope of the orphans making it past 21. Throw in some very confusing twists (property bitch is actually one of their mothers; but only had the kid as a surrogate in a bizarre experiment; the Hanson brothers being arrested for child molestation) finally, queue a very dark ending with actor turned narrator for this movie Gary Oldman. Make sure this film isn’t in 3D and you might just be onto a winner.

The future

Sadly; those in the know will be well aware that the original is being remade. Let’s hope it’s not a colossal failure; though let’s face it – its inevitably going to be in 3D.

Rating

Overall this film is worthless; thus I am giving it a ZERO.