Overview

The beginning of the nineties brought us many classic games. 1993 brought us exciting 3d first person shooter Doom, Nintendo gave us the ever entertaining Super Mario World in 1990 and EA introduced us to their take on hockey for the first time in “NHL Hockey”, in 1991.
However amongst all these amazing, ground-breaking and revolutionary games; smaller funded developers still found time, and room in the market place to push out the worst video games imaginable.
One of these awful games is the “excitingly” named Solar Hockey League Hockey.
The description from the read me that came inside the game file says:

After the latter half of the 21st century, which had North America playing a

very minor role both politically and economically, there was a worldwide

(solar-system-wide actually) revival of ancient North American sports in the

22nd century, most notably of ice hockey. But in accordance with the true

spirit of the time, the players in the game were actually robots, controlled

externally by teams of humans. The sport, originated among American immigrants

in southwestern South America, proved to be very popular, especially in the

various human colonies on planets in the solar system. Now you have a chance

to challenge the teams in the Solar Hockey League.

Did that make you excited to play it? Did it make much sense to you? No?  Oh well, that’s a shame. It really is…

Gameplay

The game starts with a rather tacky splash screen featuring the name of the game, a sun, and what I presume is either a comet or solar flare flying through the air. To be entirely honest, it looks to me like a sperm on fire, but I am sure that’s one of those Freudian things.
After this delightful splash screen, we are greeted with a not so stylish menu.
Optioion 1 changes the home team, and Option 2 changes the away team. Laughably, it is possible to have a 2 player game, even though the controls are spread all over the keyboard, and there’s no mouse support. I wouldn’t get too excited about choosing what team you want to play as though, if you actually want to be able to play, you need to set your team as “human team”.
The teams you can play against (or watch play if your weird) are:
Phobos Miners, Titan Orange, Pluto IceMen, Neptune Blue, Saturn Ringers, Juipter Magnos, Mars Reds, Moon Minerals, or Earth Mutants.
After making your selection from the “creatively” named teams, you can choose to play a single game, or torture yourself by playing a league series (why oh why).
Additionally, you can return to dos (the best option really), change the player speed from slow to fast, or back again; toggle sound, change the colour of the rink from green to purple, cyan or randomise it.
Finally, you can also change the game length. What time measurement scale it uses I am not certain, all I know is the length is defaulted to 4000.
Choosing to play a single game takes you instantly to the game play screen, which I would assume is the developers 4 bit vision of a future rink. The sounds the game plays from here onwards are awful, sounding much like a dishwasher that’s going wrong.
The controls are standard, enter to shoot, arrow keys to move your player. It is not possible to change player in the game, and it seems to allow you to move whoever is nearest the puck. There’s no real passing system built in, so you just have to shoot the puck and hope that your player square picks it up.
The game will freeze on scoring a goal for a few seconds breaking up the game play, but besides that it plays much like every other poorly made and coded hockey, soccer, basketball, whatever sports game from this era.
The interface is hideous, and to make it worse you have the most unimaginitve sprites ever. A square with a circle inside it, and a donut shaped sprite plays the role of the puck. It is awful even by 1992 standards.
Playing the league option is exactly the same as above, except it shows a leaderboard before each game. It has space to 10 games, but I could never imagine anyone getting past 2, maybe even 1 without deleting the game from their system and lying to anyone about having ever played it.
Whats worse I think is not only does the game have lousy graphics, gameplay and sound effects, but such a cheesy and lame storyline about a futuristic hockey league originating in South America.

Screenshots

Conclusion

To conclude, this game is awful. Im aware its shareware, and I am aware the developer was only asking for $10 to register so you can recieve a floppy disk copy, but it really is awful.
This is just another example of the best things in life not being free.
In a time where graphics started to look acceptable and games started to become imaginative; this game really shows up how awful some games of that era really were.
Should you wish to find out how bad this game is, you’ll want DOSbox, and the game file, but first, tell me why!

Rating: 1/10 – Painful

Additional mentions
The game includes a short story of its history, which I found quite entertaining:

This game was first written under the imaginative name of ‘BALL’ in 1989,

featuring CGA graphics designed for monochrome monitors, delays only suitable

to slow XT computers and an internal ‘random’ routine that doesn’t work on

AT’s. Despite this, it was included in the ‘Best of 1990′ selection of the

Public (Software) Library in Houston, TX. Now, in 1992, the game has been

upgraded and runs nicely on any modern IBM PC compatible computer, with

greatly enhanced graphics and presentation (although the graphics are still

monochrome – but with varying color schemes this actually looks quite nice on

EGA/VGA color displays). It was written entirely in assembler (some 7000

lines).