PowerPlayGoal.com – Hockey From A Different Angle

Welcome to The Definitive Fan – The online guide from PowerPlayGoal.com to the types of fans who you’re likely to meet (or not meet) at a hockey game.
Some of these fans love the game, while others don’t really seem all that interested, for example:

Fan Type #8 – The Violence Hater

An example of which we’ll go into more detail later in this article

Bio:
The polar opposite of the Fights Fan. In fact, this fan type usually isn’t even a fan at all. They dislike violent sports such as Hockey, labelling it as being cruel and barbaric despite the fact that the athletes taking part have chosen to do so theirselves, and that Hockey players are usually well educated.

Violence Haters generally just don’t go to Hockey games, so have no idea as to how it plays or what the aim of the game actually is – they simply assume that it’s violent, and therefore is one of the most evil and unethical things going.

They will go out of their way to make their opinions known, with their favourite (and usually only) place to protest being the internet. They will find news related websites, usually the more generic ones that don’t belong to any particular TV channel, and find a hockey related article. They will post drivel such as “Hockey is horrible and barbaric and should be banned!”, then becoming a subject of ridicule for anyone else commenting on the article.

Characteristics:
Either gender, but more notably female – usually with no distinguishable characteristics. You won’t actually see them protesting in public because they at least know well enough that they’ll probably be laughed at.

Favourite Team:
None… well, maybe the Pittsburgh Penguins, because penguins are cute and fluffy and everyone loves them. Therefore that team isn’t violent at all, right?

Other:
One real-life example we can actually name for once is a user who responded to a question on Yahoo Answers: the user asking simply wanted to know how the fight strap in hockey jerseys work, and one user who responded decided to label all hockey fans as “low class, bloodthirsty creeps.” Oh, thanks! Real nice of you. So nice that I’m going to put a link right here for everybody to see.

I’m Wildwing64, and this is The Definitive Fan.

Christmas time has come around once again. And just like last year, I’ll be taking a look at a hockey film that happens to be part of the Mighty Ducks trilogy – the very thing that this writer’s favourite NHL team was named after. Thing is, this film doesn’t even have anything to do with Christmas, but it’s probably guaranteed to be shown on TV yet again.

D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994 – Walt Disney Pictures)

This film follows a very similar template to the first (OK, that’s an understatement. It’s nearly identical) with the team competing in a tournament, the ‘bad guys’ team overwhelming them in a very one-sided game, the coach getting angry, the kids getting unhappy at the coach, the coach apologising for his ways later, and the team eventually winning the tournament thanks to the magical powers of inspirational speeches and believing in yourself… or something like that. That’s basically the plot of this thing in a nutshell, but now I’ll go into more detail on this horrible film, and why I dislike it so much.

We start off with the District 5 Ducks coach Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez) now playing in a minor league hockey game. He seems to be doing well until a rival player misses a hit, said other player gets needlessly angry, and when Bombay’s trapped by another player gives him a slam into the boards, causing him to fall to the ice and injure his knee, despite nothing actually happening to the knee… yeah. Kinda lame. So after this, he goes to the hockey shop from the first film to stay with the mentor guy’s brother, because for some reason the guy from the first film isn’t in this one, but at least they made a half-arsed effort to explain it away (apparently visiting their mother, who’s apparently still around even though he’s already old enough to be a grandfather himself). Note that this new character just appears right out of nowhere: he wasn’t in the first, and he’s not even mentioned in the third because the other guy came back.

After reminiscing about the previous tournament the D-5 Ducks won, a man named Mr. Tibbles, head of “Hendrix Hockey” offers Bombay the chance to coach Team USA at the “Junior Goodwill Games” in Los Angeles, through a sponsorship deal. Bombay then gives the apparent captain of the Ducks, Charlie Conway (Joshua Jackson) the task of rounding up the rest of the team from the first film. However, he comes back with just six others, as the other half of the team seems to have suffered from what TV Tropes refers to as Chuck Cunningham Syndrome, never being mentioned at all. The main reason these aforementioned characters no longer exist is because a bunch of new kids, gathered from across the States join the team, so that Team USA isn’t entirely made up of players from Minnesota. The team are then shown their USA jerseys, which have their sponsor name Hendrix going down the left arm (in a similar style to the Atlanta Thrashers current home jersey). Conway doesn’t approve too much of this, wonders why the team can’t be called “USA Ducks” (even more of his whining will be seen in the third film), but is then told that the huge sponsor logo is for business… I see I fairly generic subplot about Coach Bombay being consumed by greed and a luxurious lifestyle and then realising the wrongs of his ways later on (oh gee, turns out I was right! I totally didn’t see that coming).

So after that they fly to LA, and almost immediately start playing against their first opponent, Team Trinidad – no, seriously, I’m not kidding – who are in possession of the most hideously fluorescent jerseys I’ve ever seen. This team gets thwomped, and then Team USA meets the “bad guys” team, Iceland (another Hockey hotbed, according to Disney) during an interrupted conference. We then get treated to more filler, some more Hockey and some celebrity cameos, and even more filler before the big first game against Iceland in which the USA gets beaten 12-1, then we get the coach getting angry bit, players getting angry at the coach… oh, heck. You know the drill.

We then get a scene with the team warming up outside, and then being interrupted by Kenan Thompson (Of Kenan & Kel fame), playing the role of Russ Tylor, who invites them to play street hockey with his friends who “teach” them to play like the “Real” Team USA (he joins the team later on). Then Bombay gets a visit from the old guy from the beginning of the film, who gives him an inspirational speech… OK, you know what, I’m just gonna go ahead and jump to the finale, since most of it from here on out is pretty much copied, pasted and edited from the first film in some ways. Oh, and we get to see a Wayne Gretzky cameo.

So the final game of the tournament, between Team USA and the eeeevil Team Iceland takes place at the then-named Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim… an obvious (or not, to some) tie in with a certain NHL team. I really don’t like where this is going. Initially, Team USA seems to be losing because of generally goofy play, for example at one point the Ducks’ Texan player actually ropes one of the Iceland players to stop him from slamming into one of the two girls on the team. And yes, more general confusion for me is carrying over from the first film. Two girls playing in an otherwise all-boys tournament. Makes no sense whatsoever, but then again neither does the apparent fact that Trinidad has a hockey team, but there we go.

After 2 periods, Team USA are down 4-1, so then head back to the locker room for another generic inspirational speech. And then the old guy gives the team a new uniform, in order to unite the old Ducks and the new Ducks under a new banner… which just so happens to be the white jersey of the NHL’s then-named Anaheim Mighty Ducks. As if they didn’t have a bad enough reputation for being named after the first film, they at least had a great, unique identity in the form of their logo and jerseys (in my personal opinion anyway) for about a year until Disney decided to further tie the two together, thus ruining any kind of reputation the Anaheim Mighty Ducks had internationally forever – you can’t walk around anywhere in an old Ducks jersey without some idiot recognising the logo only from the films. For this very reason, I hold a personal vendetta against this film trilogy, especially the latter two films, so just for hurting their own (at the time) NHL team’s reputation even further, Disney’s sequel is being marked down by default, despite already being a poor film in general.

Oh, and we can’t forget the ending, which goes into… OH-EM-GEE! A shootout after a tied third period. When it comes to Iceland’s final shot, the Ducks’ goalie girl finally makes her on-ice debut, and catches the puck in her glove, leaving the crowd in suspense for a moment before dropping it onto the ice to show that she caught it… and then the crowd goes wild. In a real life game, the crowd would be screaming and cheering the very moment the puck is caught. There’s no need for the suspense, it’s pointless. Much like this film.

The only reason this movie exists is for the last ten or so minutes, where Disney decided to tie the NHL team and the movie series even further. Other than that, it’s almost completely identical to the first: same-ish story, mostly the same characters aside from those from the first who were ‘Brother Chucked’, same clichés, same ending, and the same old Disney moral messages. Also, the subplot involving the coach’s luxurious lifestyle and his neglecting the team, along with the moral message is completely hypocritical: look at how Disney treated the NHL Mighty Ducks during their 12-year ownership of the team. The film is also predictable all the way through, so you may as well be watching a TV recording of your favourite team’s best ever game instead. Buy if for some reason you actually like this film, maybe because you grew up with it or you’re obsessed with this movie trilogy. Otherwise, just don’t bother.

Rating: 2/10 “Lame”

Whether you’re still looking for that last minute perfect gift, running around like crazy because you’ve left it so late, or perhaps you’re just looking for the perfect gift to buy us (thanks!) you cannot afford to miss the PowerPlayGoal.com 2009 Christmas gift guide. So, check out our suggestions for the fan type that you’re buying for and then sit back, and await the cries (joy or misery – we are not fussed).

For the fan who won’t appreciate anything:

Always the most awkward person to buy for, so this year why not push the boat out and buy them something insane, crazy and simply the middle finger and a text message to “not bother next year”.

The Boston Bruins offer a VIP suite birthday package. Yes, that right I said Birthday – this gift kills two birds with one stone, doesn’t that save you hassle! This includes 18 tickets, food, drink, cake (!), a personalised scoreboard message, fan gear for everyone and a visit from the mascot, or a Bruins Girl.

If you’re not a Bruins fan, then other teams offer similar packages.

The suite packages start as sweet as $2300, and even if your friend dislikes it, at least you get to meet a Bruins Girl. Or the mascot. Whatever makes you tick.

For the fan that spends all summer longing hockey:

Hockey is hard to find during Summer, as lets face it – its pretty much all about Baseball, maybe Football near the end. So why not plan the perfect get away. And where better than a trip to Oz. Because they are below the equator, the seasons are all topsy turvy, and it’s a bit like Opposite Land. Sydney is arguably one of Australia’s most visited cities and is home to the Sydney Ice Dogs.

The Australian Hockey season runs from late April through to the beginning of August, and with American Airlines Vacations offering a wide range of hotels and plenty of flight options from most major U.S cities why not buy a gift certificate!.

Vouchers are available from American Airlines and start from $50, so you can look cheap or generous.

For the fan who idolises Sidney Crosby:

How about this “wonderful” and “not at all tacky” collectible souvenir coin. Embossed with Sidney Crosby’s grinning face on one side, with the Penguins logo on the other side, the person receiving this gift will treasure it for years to come. Except when another recession kicks in, and they attempt to spend this coin at Target and fail miserably. Expect a law suit.

Avaliable at sportsmemorabillia.com for the not so tacky price of $29.95

For the fan who wouldn’t recognise a real from a fake:

If the person you’re buying a gift for has no clue what’s real and what isn’t, why not take advantage of their idiocy (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) by buying a fake jersey.

Sure, the stitching doesn’t look right, and the colours wrong and New York has never used that logo, but alas, they won’t care. Just encourage them to not wear it when you’re with them.

Fake jerseys can be found cluttering up eBay, and start from as low as $2.99. And they say you cannot put a price on dignity.

For the fan who will wear anything related to their team no matter how bad:

Some people will wear anything. So why not purchase them a hat. Not just any hat though – one with a unique style that perhaps may have been acceptable in the late 80′s early 90′s or perhaps is regarded as a crime against fashion by most other people.

Finding something this terrible can be quite a feat, but eBay is once again the place to go, and we found criminally bad clothing as low as $24.

For the fan who lives in the past:

Many people still go round saying how much they want their old NHL team back, but the reality is – would it really be like the good old days? The hamburgular did’nt steal the team, they moved due to reasons – low season ticket sales, bad attendance, shoddy rink. Still for those that wish to hang on, printfection have the perfect range of tshirts for you. Ones that display your messages of protest – so that maybe the “evil” Gary Bettman will take note!

T-shirt’s male and female avaliable from printfection.com starting from $24. Try protesting that that low price!

For the fan who hates sunbelt teams:

For those of you who hate the teams that play on the west coast, or all the way down south – Take a trip.
Use a service such as stubhub to pick up some cut price NHL game tickets for one of the many teams below the “sunbelt”, and unlike Toronto right now, see some decent Hockey. The LA Kings are pretty damn hot right now, and the Sharks are always on form – Or if your more of an Overtime fan, then check out Dallas!

A ticket that changes your perspective can be found at stubhub.com from $29! That’s a win right there!

For the fan who longs to be a mascot:

Perhaps you’ve noticed your friends obsession with mascots. Well, make their day by buying them a mascot costume from the vast range available on Cheer etc. Perhaps it will even finally give them the push to become your local teams new mascot. if all else fails, they can always become a furry.

Mascot costumes are available from cheeretc.com and start from a “furtastic” $300! (though they seem to average at least $1000)

I hope that these gift suggestions have helped give you an idea into what you can buy your friends, family, co workers, estranged sisters. And remember, your welcome to send some Christmas cheer our way. Cash is always welcomed.

Happy Holidays,

KevKev.

PowerPlayGoal.com has no affiliation with any of the sites linked to in this entry, and are in no way responsible for the results of buying these products or your experiences on the websites of these links.